A short look

When we were children we never think that life would be difficult. We think yes we will study, go to college have our degrees, get a good job, find a handsome partner, have a beautiful wedding, have children and the list goes on...... But never in our minds we think that even after all this we can be dealing with INFERTILITY and/or CHILD LOSS.

Like them I never thought I would have to live with them. I had my dreams come true but when it came to having kids I got stuck in that hole and couldn't just climb up. Being married for years and just not getting pregnant I was devastated. I did everything I could. Meds, treatments and surgeries it never worked. Finally I just gave up. I was tired. My faith in god faded. I thought maybe I was not destined to have them.

After a few months I had to take some medicines for infection. It cannot be taken by pregnant ladies. So even though my brain told me I cannot be pregnant I just took a blood test. The results were the most beautiful thing I ever had seen. I was Pregnant!!! It was the most happiest day in my life. 25 August 2013. I will never forget it. I dont know why I was crying and laughing at the same time. Never had lived a moment like it. And the unbelievable thing was I was around 3 to 4 months pregnant. Then came a beautiful and a memorable period of my life. So beautiful. My body changed so much. I got a big beautiful belly. I cannot forget the months I carried my baby. At October I was due for my second scan. It was to see how many months the baby was. I was so excited. My husband and I went to the hospital making jokes, laughing and excited that we will be seeing our baby for a first time together. Maybe if it was time, we can see the gender too. But when the doctor started scanning I saw tension run through his face. He started sweating then suddenly after 10-15 minutes of scanning he looked into my eyes and said the baby was dead. My heart stopped beating. how and when tears streamed down my face I didnt know. Only when he said to go and see the specialist I came to my senses. I dont recall much that happened later. I just know I gave birth to a baby boy who was beautiful. He was just like me. When he was kept near me time freezed for me.

After some days later I went for my followup visit to my doctor. He kept giving me different explanations of what happened to the baby and his sudden death. Though I asked him, I knew He didnt know the answer. I asked him when can be the earliest date that I can try again and he said 3 months. I was happy. I realized that I should stand and take a step forward in life. Emotionally and Physically I had to get well soon.

Just a little before 3 months we started trying. we thought we dealt with infertility earlier its not going to happen to us soon. But voila it did!!!! Life became so beautiful once again. I took care of my baby the best I can. We decided we will go abroad for delivery at 35 weeks. I was tensed due to my history earlier. Every scan for me was an exam itself. I was so scared of the scan machine. But things went smoothly. I was happy. we were happy. But one night I had a little stomach ache. I thought it should be gastrics as my doctor said. I had my dinner late and went to sleep. At morning the cramps didnt end. Thats when I started bleeding. For the second time my heart stopped beating. I rushed to the hospital and was told my water bag had ruptured and the baby is on its way. It was going to be a miscarriage. After hours my baby came. A boy this time too. He was breathing and had heartbeats. But being so small there was nothing that could be done. we lost him.

I am currently on recovering stage. I am a mother for the boys sheI couldnt have anymore. Couldn't hold anymore and couldnt see anymore. I just want to share my life experience. Tell others going through the same that you are not alone. To give a platform for you to share and express your feelings. Tell others who dont understand that Infertlity is not a choice its a Disease and though we lost children we are still mothers.